This is the first installment of the Gi Real series, written for a local project dedicated to telling local stories of Jiu Jitsu practitioners in Grand Rapids.
/Meeting Sarah Cooke
Jiu Jitsu’s complexity offers challenges, paths for growth, and processes for change. Within this experience is a relationship that builds. Between you and the art. Between you and the mats. Between you and your coach, training partners, and overall team. Like most relationships, this can get hard. Things can get real. As we face these truths we are forced to carve out a reckoning for what we want to become.
This can be said about life, and Jiu Jitsu. The best metaphors exist in perfect parallel. Jiu Jitsu can be a process that demonstrates the power of persistence and adaption, that you can extend to the rest of your life. When life gets hard, you don’t stop moving. You stay connected. You find a space to make some movement, even when some things stay stuck. It’s the act of engagement that changes the shape of the problem.
Sometimes, these problems exist within Jiu Jitsu, and it’s life that becomes the metaphor. Here is where we begin. Conflicts and resolutions. Looking out, and looking in. Looking ahead, and looking back.
I reached out to Sarah cold. We never met, but the window of social media gave me a glimpse of who she was. Mother, wife, cat lady. A new student of the game sharing her progress, so maybe she would share her story with me?
I was fortunate enough to connect, and there are lots of stories to tell. Some now, some later. Today's story is about everyday people who find Jiu Jitsu, meet its challenge, and become a better version of themselves.
/Grounded
"I loved watching my boys wrestle and loved seeing the transformation in them through wrestling. They were both pretty timid and lacked confidence before wrestling, and I wondered if Jiu Jitsu would help boost my confidence. Without a doubt, it did."
The various roles in your life don’t define you, but they do inform your character and motivations. Raising children is the ultimate leadership position. You lead through words and actions and hope your kids listen enough to mold into the adults you have been working hard to shape.
This is a long game. From a small child to adulthood takes an eternity. The results of your work blossom slowly, but when they do it completes you.
This is no sidebar. This is an important piece to a story about taking on challenges, leading by example, and building a family that has your back. Our words of encouragement turn into actions and character that can in turn inspire us, and sometimes hold us accountable.
This back and forth is an important metaphor. When we build up the people around us, they build us up. We work together to live better lives, build strong families, and strong communities.
This is the essence of Jiu Jitsu. This is the heart of the Gi Real series. Not to say life is like Jiu Jitsu, but to show it through the real stories of real people like Sarah.
/Getting Started
"I would go and drop them off and watch him. And after that, all these people would come in and start warming up for Jiu Jitsu. So after a while, I was kind of like, well what is this? And it really intrigued me because I had never seen anything like that before"
Everyone comes to the mats for different reasons. Sometimes they are personal. Sometimes they are simple. You may be seeking something. Something may be seeking you. In Sarah’s case, she stumbled upon it, dropping her son off for wrestling practice. Accidents and happenstance can change you.
"So I thought, you know, I might as well give this a try, I'm not athletic. I've never done sports, but I wanted to get in shape and just meet new people and try something different…
…not only did I see jiu jitsu as something where I could go and get in shape, but I also wanted to learn how to defend myself…
…It just looked fun and it looked different and I had been going to the Y for a while, but I was so bored with just going there working out…
… And so I thought, well this might be a fun way to work out. So, I started going last January, January 2022."
There is insight here. Jiu Jitsu can appear intimidating. Years of coaching has put me in countless conversations with people in the middle of their life, wondering what they can do. Fearing the physical exchange. Questioning the athletic capacities of their own bodies. Placing their sense of physical power in the rearview mirror as a natural part of moving through life. The decision to join Jiu Jitsu usually comes with hesitations and perceived roadblocks. Moving forward takes courage. It takes a level of grit to test yourself in the unknown.
“I think the hardest part honestly is just walking through the door and just showing up. And then from that point you just keep showing up, and be willing to put the work in…"
Sarah’s decision to put on a gi is a reflection of her strength. It’s a call for everyone to set aside their hesitations and get in.
/Being Real
"After my first Jiu Jitsu class I was so discouraged because I had no idea what I was doing. I remember coming home and telling my oldest son I wasn't going back. He said to me "you wouldn't let me quit after my first wrestling practice, why would you quit after your first practice.”
Starting isn’t always easy, and it certainly wasn’t for Sarah. Dishing out encouragement for others is one thing. Doing it for yourself is another. With the encouragement of her son, she did what he did. She kept going.
There is a simple lesson here about needing each other. With Jiu Jitsu, you find the challenge and often find the encouragement you need. People and connections are built into the experience. There is a social element to your physical experience, and Jiu Jitsu has a way of accelerating the pace of personal bonds. When you learn to travel the path with your equals, your growth and enjoyment increase exponentially.
"I was discouraged that I couldn't catch on to things as quickly as other people did. I was also in my mid 30's and out of shape…
…Jiu Jitsu is a personal journey, and once I stopped comparing myself to other people and showed up for myself, that's when I started falling in love with it."
As Sarah discusses her personal challenges, her training challenges, and her experience of navigating relationships on the mat, the complexity of Jiu Jitsu becomes apparent. She opens up about her experience with food and exercise. It was a punishment. She starved herself chasing a scale. What does it take to reframe your health? What can steer away your worst inclinations about what your body needs to be, towards how your body can be its most powerful?
Jiu Jitsu is a process. Inputs and outputs that go beyond techniques and ranks. How you navigate that process will dictate your path forward, and the nature of your transformation. In reviewing Sarah’s comments, you see this process play out. Thoughts on confidence, boundaries, and self worth shifting with the experience on the mats.
"…Don't limit yourself, don't doubt yourself, just keep showing up and do your best. Anyone can do the sport, you just have to put in the work and time.”
There is a difference between speaking and speaking from experience. Sarah speaks from experience. She grapples with telling her story. She is refreshingly brave and honest. With me, and with herself.
/Tapping Out
Here is where we pause and assess the challenges, and then skip forward.
There is a lot to the world of Jiu Jitsu. Lots of ways to train. Lots of different goals, values, and systems of belief. In many ways, this diversity of experience is what allows Jiu Jitsu to thrive. It adapts to everyone, just not always in the same time and place. To believe this takes a little faith.
It’s hard to disentangle your love of the art from the environment and people you experience it with. People often project their newfound obsession with Jiu Jitsu onto the people and mats they experience it with.
But Jiu Jitsu transcends. Nobody owns Jiu Jitsu, and nobody can take it from you. Your journey belongs to you.
In a world without stumbles, everyone would find their perfect fit the first time. Perfect job. Perfect significant other. Perfect house or best friend. With some experience, you learn that life is trial and error. With the necessities in life, you must trial. You will error.
The luxuries in life take more reflection. Can you see past the disappointments, and focus your characterization of a relationship on its ideal form, and not its current form? Can you disentangle the pros and cons, and find a way forward?
For Sarah, she stumbled into the wrong fit. She wasn’t the first and won’t be the last.
Sarah quit.
/New Beginnings
"It's been very hard because I'm an introvert. It's very hard for me to put myself out there and so to have to, you know, initially start and then stop and start over somewhere else. It's been extremely hard."
At this moment, Sarah questions herself. Questions the art. Wondering if things can feel different. The power in this story is the power in framing your own journey. Empowering yourself with the belief that Jiu Jitsu is a tool that is yours for the taking, to build the best version of yourself.
"My son said, Mom, I know how much you liked that. I know how much that made you feel good about yourself when you could come home and say, Oh you did this submission, You know, you did this thing right? And he's like I think you should try it again….
…I missed it and I missed interacting with people, and it is a different type of people that do jiu jitsu."
Jiu Jitsu gives you the skills to use your opponent's movements against them. To take what they give you, and direct it towards your benefit. Sarah's son understands Jiu Jitsu. He takes Sarah’s words, reframes them, and uses them to guide her back toward progress.
"I wanted to set an example for them that no matter how old you are or how terrible that first practice is, you keep showing up."
With a new environment and some perspective, Sarah sought to find her fit. She lived by her own example.
/Level Change
"If I can compete and just don't even care if I get first place or not. If I can just put myself back out there again and just do it. And I think that for me would help overcome a lot of stuff, and would help me grow a lot in Jiu Jitsu."
As Sarah tells her story, her tone clearly shifts.
Long term relationships can have ups and downs. The future of a relationship can be anchored to an experience. The experience can overshadow and rewrite the reality of the narrative. When relationships go wrong, negativity can seep into the past and reframe a positive beginning. The excitement of starting something new can linger into the present, despite the signs of breaking down. When you don’t recognize this, you lose control of your ability to build a better future.
Your relationship with Jiu Jitsu is no different. You have to constantly work to build the future, and allow it to grow into something positive for your life.
"That is my goal for this year. I'm hoping by the end of the summer to get my second stripe. They started teaching a class to test for your blue belt. I started taking it about a few weeks ago and I just want to see if I feel like I'm ready
I'm gonna test for that in the fall."
You see this as Sarah openly cuts the chords to her anchors and her words are focused on the future. This is a lesson about Jiu Jitsu. It's a lesson about life. Truth be told, some anchors still exist. This game is a work in progress that the martial artist must embrace.
Feeling stuck can bring acceptance of the unacceptable, or you can choose to find your escape. Escaping begins with the faith that your effort will produce progress, as you take small steps to change the nature of your positioning. Each step produces confidence as you move closer and closer to freedom.
Confidence gives you a clear vision of what you can become. When Sarah shifts from talking about the challenges faced in the moment to the goals she wishes to accomplish, her confidence is laid bare in her changing perspective.
/Scared
Throughout our conversation, Sarah used the word scared. Several times. It was something I did not pick up on until I checked my notes.
"It does make me feel stronger. And just, I don't feel as scared as what I did before I started.
I just had no confidence at all and also was kind of scared to go alone to places. So, I love to run nature trails and stuff. And I thought, No, I'm never gonna go alone because what if I was attacked."
I had to follow up.
"For me, I'm a smaller framed woman and was nervous to venture out alone at night. I suffer from anxiety and I was always afraid of being grabbed or assaulted. Jiu Jitsu taught me basic self defense skills and also taught me to be more aware of my surroundings.
I also have social anxiety and am an introvert. I'm not a big "hugger" and don't enjoy people in my personal space. Putting myself in a gym where I didn't know anyone, and having to have to physically touch people has helped me overcome that."
Between the lines of Sarah’s words is a story about making a conscious effort to face your fears. Pushing yourself, one step at a time, into uncomfortable territory in an effort to heal, grow, and become a stronger person. Taking this step takes a tremendous amount of courage. Scared, but brave. Anxious, but moving forward with conviction.
Jiu Jitsu creates an environment to test yourself. You will never know what conflicts will come, but you can learn to embrace the idea that you can win the conflicts. That you are as strong and capable as anybody. The conflict is an exchange. It ebbs and flows. The outcome is determined by your will to continue. Sarah faced conflicts. Some physical, some not. Some in life, some in Jiu Jitsu. She engaged and discovered fears are to be faced.
/Gi Real. From Then Till Now
Sarah’s story is a story of Jiu Jitsu. An art where anyone can engage and grow. A mom. A wife. A woman who didn’t become strong through Jiu Jitsu, but rather discovered her strength through the experience. With support, and a drive to be better for herself and her kids, she is on a course to become someone more powerful than she knows. The path she has taken is simply the beginning.
In a 45 minute conversation, there were a lot of words that remained her own. My goal here is to capture Sarah’s journey, without taking over her narrative. Her story is hers, and there is more for her to tell. Within it, I hope that everyone can see themselves. This is an honest look at an art that is beautiful, even when it doesn’t always feel that way. Your doubts, hesitations, and perceived barriers to your best self can be faced and overcome. Jiu Jitsu offers a process to help you do that. To encourage you. To show you the power of progress and the joy of accomplishment. If you can see yourself in Sarah, you can see yourself in Jiu Jitsu. As she says, you just have to show up. You just have to believe in yourself.
Really cool idea for a series